I think one of my main problems is that I'm far too self absorbed and that to some extent is what is driving the suffering but here goes.
For many, many years of my life I've felt that there was something markedly different about me and that whatever it was it inhibited me from making friends and really living a fulfilled life. I was spacey and dreamy and full of idiosyncrasies like talking to myself, inability to read social cues, fixations with singular topics (for many years that was the O.J Simpson murder trial from the 1990s), my mind that always went off into 15 tangents at once, saying and asking inappropriate things, sensitivity to sounds, inability to make friends and when I was young trouble making eye contact when I spoke to people. But I looked at each of those individually and largely dismissed it as me just being me. It was completely unfathomable to me that all of those things collectively meant I could be on the autism spectrum. And I think that was partly because, like most people, I had a very shallow understanding of what it means to be autistic. I believed that it simply meant having limited IQ and cognitive abilities. I was long ways from understanding the truth of the matter which was that its called autism SPECTRUM disorder for a reason. There are so many different levels, types and manifestations of the thing. And that many people on the spectrum are actually exceptionally bright and talented. So I guess thats where the fear of the stigma comes in, I was very young, coming into my own and I didn't want to be ostracized, I just wanted to keep my head down and excel just like my sister.
So as time went on I was diagnosed with a plethora of conditions starting with ADHD, then anxiety, depression, bipolar II, a learning disability that deals with trouble processing information, borderline personality disorder, and then in November of 2016 at the age of 21, stunningly, Asperger's Syndrome which of course is a form of autism. And I was taken a back, unsure how to process it. There were certainly a lot of elements of it that made perfect sense but I decided to reject the idea and everything that came with it. I didn't wear the same outfit everyday, I was a painfully empathetic extrovert, I was "normal", no this couldn't be me.
But in the past year my sister began to see clearly that my personality and many of my behaviors were not typical and encouraged me to investigate the possibility that I was autistic and it struck a nerve and I snapped at her. My previous diagnosis, or any notion that there was "something wrong with me" was not something I wanted to confront. But that didn't mean I wasn't curious and I found myself googling about it constantly particularly about the experiences of women and girls with Aspergers because our story is often overshadowed by that of males with the condition. And naturally, I began to check of most of the boxes. And feeling like you're less alone and that there's a community out there of people just like you is comforting but accepting this about myself cuts both ways because a label like this is comforting and crippling at the same time. Yes its helpful to make sense of why I am the person I am but at times it feels like an extra barrier between me and the rest of the neurotypical world.
Strangely, it comforts me to think of gifted people who made it in the world with ASD and Asperger's Syndrome in particular. Like Einstein who dealt with textbook Asperger's and was often perceived as stupid and worthless as a consequence, as a kid a teacher told him point blank that he wouldn't amount to anything. Also, Jerry Seinfeld (comedian/actor best known for his hit show Seinfeld), Isaac Newton (father of modern day physics), Charles Darwin (father of evolution), Mozart, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates etc. etc. Additionally there are some on the spectrum with full blown mental handicaps that are known as savants because of their musical genius and thrive in that area as it is not hindered by their other challenges. And it delights me to no end to see people who are often caste off, pitied and largely denied normalcy mystify people with their immeasurable talent.
So I think to myself maybe I'll be okay, maybe now that I've accepted this about me I can work through my challenges, find a community for just that, forgive myself for my failures, and finally love and accept myself for who I am. Not everyone will understand me and I'm getting to a place where I don't need them too. I'll never stop wondering what life could have been like if I was more neurotypical but all I can do is be hopeful and take it one day at a time.
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