I think one of the things I used to be most afraid of is spending the rest of my life feeling like I still have something to prove. To still feel the need to show everyone, including and especially those who have put me down or doubted me, that I'm worthy.
But I have long realized that that in and of itself is the most poisonous thing because it makes those you have caused you pain important and they just don't deserve that.
Although many success stories have started there: a former misunderstood, isolated, disregarded or bullied kid who is motivated by the idea of proving them all wrong leaves their small town behind and takes it all the way to the finish line. There are many more of those who hang onto their past that become defined and crippled by it.
Yet in some ways I still struggle with that, it's no accident that my first post addressed an incident where I was can called a 'nobody' by someone I'd offended in a discussion. I didn't start this blog as a way to learn from mistakes and share some wisdom as I'd convinced myself and wanted others to believe. It was because I thought creating a successful blog would prove her wrong.
I think that incident wounded me in a different and deeper way because of my history of being severely bullied growing up. I talked about this to some extent in my post about loneliness but I was always bullied for being perceived as different, my spacey severely ADD fueled personality, the weird crossed eyed thing I did, my inability to complete my work and occasionally learning differently which had a lot to do with being viewed as stupid, my body type, etc. I was told that I was unlovable, unattractive---that no one would ever want me. I was the joke--my very name was synonymous with loser. It was probably the worst in middle school but then I had this amazing ability to let things roll off my shoulders. I was unhappy and lonely but not clinically depressed. Life was bleak but it wasn't anything I wasn't used to and I got by.
My senior year of high school, I was more sensitive and had a completely different set of insecurities most of which was related the terrible depression I was battling. I was being harassed by a school administrator throughout the year. I had a therapist as well as educated, loving, supportive parents but those things didn't equip me for what I was dealing with or make me feel any less alone.
Interestingly enough, I began to dream of becoming a flight attendant. It was everything my life then wasn't, independent, glamorous, lots of exposure to people and places all over the world, perhaps the opportunity to start dating would be in store and at the time it felt like the best way to leave my old life behind. And the more I was mocked for it the harder I clung to that elusive dream. In hindsight, though, it was a huge distraction. It was typical me though: fantasizing instead of being grounded in reality.
I grew older and wiser, of course, and begun to think more realistically and opted to pursue higher education instead. My beloved 2nd grade teacher (who was the one who informed my parents of my ADHD and other learning issues) said that I'd find my place of belonging in college and she was absolutely right. College made me rediscover my love of politics and led me to dream of becoming a lawyer/pursuing social justice causes. And that is what helped me heal and rebuild my self esteem, my belief that I can leave the world in better shape than when I found it with nothing more than my compassion and work ethic.
Which is why I will never attend a high school reunion. I have nothing to say to them, and I don't have to disprove or prove anything to anyone to feel that I have accomplished something with my life. That can only come from myself, because I've said it before and I'll say it a million times again: when you know who you are there is nothing anyone can say to you that can shake that.
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